


Now and Then

by girl_next_door_writes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 09:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl_next_door_writes/pseuds/girl_next_door_writes
Summary: The death of a relationship is never an easy thing but sometimes it’s for the best.





	Now and Then

Now and then he’d find his mind floating back to the time you were together. Usually, when he encountered a pretty waitress or some girl flirted with him, there was always that brief moment when any reciprocation on his part felt like a betrayal. It should have worked. On paper, the two of you were great together. Both hunters, both dealing with loss, both interested in the research side of things but while it was undeniable that you were happy he couldn’t help this sense of loneliness still within him, like an ache in his soul. Maybe that was just how love was for him. Maybe he had been stupid to push you away. The loneliness had only grown, consuming him little by little as each day without you passed and although he longed to reach out to you, tell you he was an idiot and he did truly love you, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

It hadn’t taken you long to see something was wrong. He knew you tried to ignore it but it was there between you and once he knew you felt it too he stopped trying so hard to hide it. Really, it was inevitable in your line of work, this was never going to end happily. Each hunt you took there was more chance of one of you not making it back. It felt like the end was creeping up on him and to lose you would splinter his whole world so he did what he could to make your loss bearable, he accepted that this would end. You could see the sadness in him, in the way he would look at you, even when you were in bed together there was a fatalistic air and that broke your heart over and over until you couldn’t take any more. Instead of fighting for what you had, revelling in each moment you could steal together, he had given up as if you were already gone, so you figured you may as well. 

Your mind played back over all the times you had caught that look in his eye. The man who you loved more than anything in this world somehow made you feel like you had done something wrong, that you disappointed him. When it got to the point where Dean noticed you knew that this couldn’t be fixed, that Sam didn’t want to fix it, that you were the problem. It was exhausting. You’d put on a bright happy face, throw yourself into the hunt, but find yourself reading into every word, every look he shot your way and it was becoming clear this was going to get one or both of you killed. 

It was in a dingy motel room where your relationship with Sam Winchester died. No shouting, no big argument, just a simple conversation. There were the usual platitudes of ‘we can still be friends’ and ‘it’s not your fault’ but as you left that room he had to admit he was glad it was finally over. That moment he had been dreading was done and as much as his heart ached, telling him he was an idiot and to go after you, he knew this was better for you. After all, those who got too close to a Winchester had a very limited lifespan, you’d done well to survive this far.

A few weeks passed and the ache Sam had thought would go only grew so he reached out. He knew it was stupid, that he should just let you be but he dialed your number anyway and was surprised to find it had been disconnected. He immediately went into panic mode, what if something had happened to you? Why did he let you go where he couldn’t protect you? Frantic he sped around the bunker calling his brother and Cas. “Her phone’s cut off, we need to find her.” From the look in his eyes, both men knew exactly who he was talking about and with a solemn look Cas disappeared. He returned shortly letting the brothers know you were physically fine and had just changed your number. The panic which had surged through Sams body turned to ineffable sorrow as he realised his mistake and the fact he may never actually hear your voice again. He threw himself into research, trying to forget you, cut you out of his life as you seemingly had done to him. 

The next blow came a few days later when Crowley, of all people, stopped by to ‘pick up’ a book you had left. He took great delight in informing the boys you had agreed to team up with him on a certain case and narrowly avoided being punched at his comment about Moose’s loss being most definitely his gain. Taking the book and winking at Sam he vanished, presumably to wherever you were waiting for him. That you would rather spend your time with the King of Hell hit a nerve with Sam. You had never trusted Crowley so what had changed so much? He knew the answer to that and another wave of guilt hit him, sending him off to the library to hunt for a case.

Time passed, as it tends to do, and the days turned to weeks, which turned to months and then one not so special day Sam found himself sitting in a diner when a familiar laugh had his heart speeding up and his eyes widening just a little. He shot a look at Dean before craning in his seat to see if what his heart seemed to know was true. There you were, eating pancakes and laughing at something your companion was saying. You face lit up in amusement and you looked so carefree, he remembered when you used to look like that with him. Your amusing associate stood up and Sam felt a wave of anger as he realised it was Crowley, you were still working with Crowley? You stood and playfully punched the demon on the arm, shaking your head with a chuckle which died on your lips when your eyes met Sams. “Hello boys, fancy seeing you here.” Crowley slid his arm around you. There was nothing going on between you but he did love to rile a Winchester.

“I’ve got to go, things to catch, you know how it is. Enjoy your breakfast.” You smiled brightly at Dean before turning to leave. The loneliness Sam had felt while with you and the fear of losing you was nothing compared to that moment right there. It was as if you didn’t even know him, that your relationship hadn’t even happened. All those nights whispering and giggling together, the long drives singing along to pop songs you both knew Dean would hate, the intimate moments where you would exchange a look which said more than either of you could find the words for. You had gone from friends to lovers with ease but the change from lovers strangers terrified him a little. He didn’t need your love, didn’t deserve it, but even Crowley sensed a shift in him, at least enough to leave without any more smart-ass comments. Sam frowned and the waitress came over.

“Friends of yours?” she inquired with a smile, pouring Dean some more coffee.

“Just… somebody that I used to know.” Sam murmured, staring resolutely at his plate.

“Well, the girl paid your tab and ordered some more waffles for you. Enjoy.” His head shot up and he looked at his brother questioning if he had heard that correctly.

“Don’t mess her around Sammy. You wanna be with her then go after her, you gonna be a dick about it again then leave her be.” Dean lifted his coffee mug and watched the myriad of emotions register on his brothers face as he decided his next move.


End file.
